19 November 2012

Experiments in Black Dating: On Being a Black Nerd

On the Saturday before the 2012 Labor Day holiday in the US, I drove 3.5 hours in rain and heavy weekend traffic from my home to Richmond, VA. The purpose? To go on a date arranged by my relationship coach.

To call the experience a failure would be an understatement. While I don't consider it a waste of time, it was very much a failure! The following Friday, I spoke to my coach about my date's feedback. Negative. Negative. Negative. Negative across the board. She had not a single good thing to say about me.

Apparently, the fundamental problem she had with me was that I am…as she put it…a nerd. I cannot disagree with this assessment. I long ago came to terms with my being a nerd.

My questions for the Black women reading this are [1] why does this matter and [2] why is this bad? I'll leave it as an exercise to the Black women readers in audience to answer. Please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below.

How is it that a successful, single, heterosexual, legally employed, wellness oriented, intelligent, authentic, educated, responsible, childless Black man can be faulted for being a "nerd"? What kind of criticism is that?!?! Of all of the things you could possibly fault a Black man for, and for all of the things that Black men commonly get faulted for, and you want to pick out for criticism the one general trait that has made me successful in most areas of life? I have to consider any woman who criticizes success as a loser by definition.

Should I be a bum like far too many Black men are? I should be unintelligent, uneducated, apathetic, emotionally stunted and possess all manner of other character flaws? Is this really what Black women want from Black men? If so, that just proves my hypothesis that Black people and Black America both are doomed to extinction.

This woman's obsession with dating "cool" guys, and not dating "nerds", probably explains the situation she currently finds herself in, relationship-wise, more than anything else. While I can't help but think that she did me a favor with her violent refutation of me, this experience is just a symptom of a larger plague of thinking within the Black female community.

Upsides and Downsides

I can't make a complete argument for the so-called nerd without covering the actual negatives and downsides of dating such a man. Nerds, in the vernacular, tend to be socially awkward and may even display symptoms of Asperger syndrome. They tend to be less physically attractive than many of their non-nerd contemporaries. They may not have interests that are commonly popular, such as sports, instead preferring to spend their time learning in some way. Whether through reading or doing, their time tends to be spent in the pursuit of knowledge as opposed to physical or athletic or other popular pastimes.

Now, let's consider the implications of the above. While nerds may tend to be socially awkward and even introverted, it is possible to be a functioning member of society with these characteristics. For example, I used to be quite misanthropic. I'll admit to hating people. I liked computers because they were logical and you knew what to expect from them, while people were non-deterministic and unpredictable. However, after doing some growth and development work, I came to see that I can and do love people. (To quote Elie Wiesel, "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.")

What I learned about myself was that I really hated seeing people who were lazy, whether intellectually or in some other manner. I came to realize that I like people who are hard working, persistent and striving for success in some arena. I also saw that I don't think of myself as being very intelligent. What I am is hard working and persistent, as my favorite high school teacher told me (and I refused to believe). I started saying "I'm not so smart but I put in the work. If I can do it, anyone can do it." When people refused to put in the work, that would make me angry. So it wasn't that I hated people. I actually love them and think more highly of them than they tend to think of themselves.

As far as being socially awkward, I have been so for as long as I have been interested in Black women. Due to my upbringing, I never learned how to interact with Black women generally. It is rare that I meet a Black woman with whom I can have the same kind of stimulating, engaging, intellectual conversations that are natural to me. Most of the time, even women in my age bracket appear to have conversation far below their chronological ages. Its truly a very dispiriting state of affairs. I don't particularly care what anyone on television is doing in their own life. To me, its a sign of emptiness that so many Black women are captivated by the lives of others. Its sad, really.

As it pertains to Asperger syndrome or other conditions which contribute to social awkwardness but are usually associated with "nerds", there is some medical treatment that can be made for those. It is definitely a harder situation to deal with but it can be addressed. Unfortunately, I can't speak to the situation of a "nerd" who displays these traits.

When it comes to physical appearance, nerds can learn to address their deficiencies. It will take some effort and like all endeavors, they will only be as successful as they are committed to being. If they want to grow and develop in this area, it is entirely possible. For example, I like nice fragrances so I buy scented candles and I own more than 1 cologne. Learning how to find a cologne I liked was fascinating to me and I'm very careful about the fragrances I wear. This has served me well with the women I have dated or been in relationships with. Like in other areas of life, one must practice behaviors that they are weak in so that they develop and convert that weakness into a strength. Nerds are as capable of doing this as anyone else.

As for other aspects of physical appearance, I am still growing and developing. Its a process, not a destination. I once had a girlfriend who, when I joked that she liked "pretty boys", told me that if I got braces and straightened my teeth, I would be a pretty boy. While that offended me more than the comment about persistence by my high school teacher, it took some difficult lessons vis-a-vis my relationship coaching to appreciate that. Eventually, after a bad dating experience and the incessant prodding of several women friends, I got braces.

My coach also encouraged me to make adjustments to my wardrobe. Since I was paying him for his advice and knowledge on attracting women, I listened. I began buying jeans from Express and eventually some shirts as well. At the behest of one of my "big sisters", who also had implored me to get braces, I started buying different shoes. All of these adjustments, gradual at first but increasing over time, made an impact when I first met my soon-to-be wife.

Finally, as part of a larger personal growth "spurt" that occurred starting in 2007, one of the activities I took up was snowboarding. While the reasons are unimportant, what I learned from learning to snowboard is that you don't do your sport to get into shape. You have to get into shape to seriously enjoy your sport. Snowboarding requires a lot of physical endurance and stamina as well as leg strength. Thus, I began physical training in earnest. It was slow at first but I threw myself into it in 2008 and 2009. By the end of 2009, I was in the best shape of my life at 170 pounds and 9.5% body fat. I started getting a lot more attention from women, much of which I didn't even notice because I was so heads down into my training.

There are many communities of nerds who have take up physical pursuits later in life. To make the assumption that all "nerds" are physical monstrosities who are unconcerned with their appearance is naive at best and a lie at worst. However, most nerds also start taking care of themselves physically in the pursuit of a larger goal. When they understand the reasons clearly, nerds will commit to good nutrition and exercise with even more vigor and determination than most of the "normal" population. That intense focus on learning and gets directed into learning about how their bodies work and experimenting with fitness routines and exercises. Its all a matter of knowing clearly what they are doing and most importantly, WHY they are doing it. And it is that intensity that nerds bring to almost everything they choose to do of their own volition, including (I might add) relationships.

The Consequences

Black women, please consider…just consider…that you may have spent far too much of your limited time on Earth maligning men like me because we are nice, respectful, honorable, authentic, trustworthy, intelligent, and educated. While doing that, also please consider that you have been sabotaging your own stated desire to be in a relationship with a Black man (if that is your goal). By vilifying and criticizing the very qualities you ostensibly say you want, you are sending the message out into the Universe that you really don't want those things. You are telling God to deliver to you not a man who will love, honor and cherish you but a man who will disrespect, dishonor and abuse you. This might explain the quality, or lack thereof, of the men that you encounter and enter into relationships with. Just think about it.

I know many Black women will not like what I've just said here so if you have a cogent counter-argument, by all means, share it in the comments below. Why is a Black man being a "nerd" a bad thing? In many other American cultural and ethnic sub-groups, nerds are respected and even cultivated. Only Black America seems to have such a negative view of "nerds". I'd like to hear a well reasoned response to this from Black women. I'm cautiously pessimistic that I'll ever receive one. Rants are not welcome at all.

As for me, at least I don't have to worry about going back to Richmond anytime soon, if ever.



Blogger tabitha said...

I love NERDS :-) I happen to be a self professed one, and am in love with one! I say a woman that has a problem with dating "a nerd" is more superficial than should be. My opinion.

Blogger Bonnie Cuervo said...

This saddens me because this is my state. However, ignorance is running wild here. I love an intelligent man, one who will challenge me. Most men here are lazy and not doing anything with themselves. I am not into thugs or men who have their pants hanging off them. I am not sad because that lady missed out she has nothing but losers around her now. She will regret rejecting you for that foolish reason!

Blogger newdawn said...

I am a black woman and I love nerds . . . the problem is I cannot seem to find one. I almost fell in love with a guy because he spoke to me about nanotechnology. *blush* seriously. However, American society as a whole doesnt value education and not liking nerds is not a "black" thing. How many movies have been made about turning a nerd into a cool guy so that they can "get the girl" and it wasnt a "black" nerd trying to get the "black" girl. How many telvesions shows eradily make fun of nerds. The only problem I see is that nerd boys never seem to go for nerd girls. They always want the cheerleader lol.

Blogger newdawn said...

I am a black woman and I love nerds . . . the problem is I cannot seem to find one. I almost fell in love with a guy because he spoke to me about nanotechnology. *blush* seriously. However, American society as a whole doesnt value education and not liking nerds is not a "black" thing. How many movies have been made about turning a nerd into a cool guy so that they can "get the girl" and it wasnt a "black" nerd trying to get the "black" girl. How many telvesions shows eradily make fun of nerds. The only problem I see is that nerd boys never seem to go for nerd girls. They always want the cheerleader lol.

Blogger Shavongalia Bennett said...

Women love smart successful men but with a bad boy look/demeanor!! It's a sign of toughness on the outside!!

Blogger WomenAreGamechangers said...

Can I say that I LOL throughout this entire post? You made many qualified claims that can't be refuted for most black women. But please do not lump those of us who strive for excellence in all that we do with respect and dignity into that category. There are many black women who face what you have faced with black men. There are some of us who prefer to have an intellectual conversation over getting dressed up to be shown off at some party. Besides nerds own the team. I want to be with an owner not the player who goes broke 2 years after they stop playing. This post deserves a share on my social media sites.

OpenID cendrillontremaine said...

I feel that this post is offensive & somewhat ignorant. I truly believe you are the issue, not black women. You are attracting the type of women you mentioned in the article for a reason. You must find that reason & change whatever it is about yourself that attracts the wrong people into your life-whether it's your environment or the type of women that interest you. I, too, am considered a "nerd." I always have been. Yet I know so many black women-and men-who are "nerds" & can hold stimulating conversations etc. Please get rid of the ideology that nerds are unattractive & don't engage in work outs, sports, or other activities that the rest of society do unless it's for an ultimate goal such as attracting a future mate. Some people are just brought up to take care of their bodies for health reasons. I know I was. Maybe my well-roundedness in science as well as the arts/entertainment is to blame for my ability to be nerdy yet socially acceptable. However, again, I must say that most of the people in my life are nerds, attractive, & attracted to fellow nerds. I have attended prestigious schools and engaged in "nerdy" activities. Therefore, it was quite easy finding people like myself. I think you really have to work on your social skills or attend more nerd-like events to attract the woman for you. I must agree with you that academics & intellect are not as valued in black communities as in other cultures. Many black women have stated they cannot find a black man who isn't threatened by their success & knowledge. However, I think this is a general black culture issue, not a black women problem. Best of luck finding "the one!"

Blogger marva said...

As a black woman I am troubled by the way you were treated on your date. Please, please do not think she represents all black women. Dating is hard and sometimes you have to go through a lot of Ms. Wrongs before you meet Ms. Right. The Ms. Wrongs just get out a lot more and make themselves more visible than the Ms Rights, so it just seems like they are the majority. Trust me, black women are out there who would love to meet a man like you. Keep faith that you will meet an amazing black woman that will like you for who you are. You will find her, perhaps not as soon as you want, but you will. Stay encouraged.

Blogger KayKari said...

Now Ok. So I actually spent the time reading your whole post. I too know the pain of being a black nerd, and because of this I fact I have dated nerds. One of my worst relationships was with a very smart, yet awkward Black man. This was in college. He was definitely one of the nerdiest nerds I knew...spent hours programming, sometimes forgot to pick his afro so he'd go to class wrinkled and linty...but he was adorable. He just happened to be a nerd jerk who thought he was smarter than everyone so him and I didn't work out. Are you a nerd jerk? Do you talk down to women because you think they have 'childish' conversations? Are you attracted to women who just don't like nerds? What kind of standards do you have yourself? I know a 'nerd' who thinks he's unlucky in love and that blaack women don't like him, were so dumb for passing him over ect, but the women who do like him aren't good enough or not cute enough even tho he isn't the finest fork himself. Why bash black women? Do white women treat you better?

Blogger Tamieka Augusta said...

I believe that when Women are drawn to the Cool Guy (& All of the ills that come from dating the bad boy), it is because The respectful (Nerd) is unfamiliar & completely foreign to Her. I also believe that there is a deep rooted need to somehow feel in control with the bad boy. See, when a Man "Has it together", you MUST give him that respect that is due as a Decent Man. It takes a whole lot of courage to "step outside of your comfort zone", be patient, & try something new. The "Ike Turner" type of guy always attracts the (H%*!) instead of a real Lady. A Real Lady would LOVE to date A "Nerd" because long after the looks fade off, it is him who will stimulate You in soooo many other ways far beyond the bedroom.... I Guess I'm a quirky Black Woman who thinks outside of the box in hopes of envisioning the "Big Picture". Thanks for sharing!

Tamieka @TMarieAugusta My Twitter =0)

Blogger Mona said...

As much as I would like to DISAGREE with you I find that I can not. Your statements were not only well written BUT on point. I just had a conversation with a friends 10 year old son on why its ok to be a nerd. I know at 10 he really isn't trying to hear its ok to be smart, its ok to wear glasses, its ok to speak in complete sentences, its ok not follow the crowd but lead the crowd, and the list goes on. At 10 he just wants to make friends...how do you help a black male child fight the urge of playing dumb just to fit in!? What has gone wrong with our community, what messages are we sending "our" children and what can be done in your generations lifespan to change the mindset? I can't say why SOME girls like the underchallenged man, But there are GROWN women who will take a smart man anytime over a fool.....you see I'm over 50 and the things in life that some place importance on have no place in my world....stay a N ERD black man and get your success stride on and just wait and see how many "I wish I had" come crawling out! Stay positive!

Blogger Candice Joseph said...

Well I for one do not have a problem with nerds. To be honest I've found and dated a few nerds but because of my outgoing and 'wild' personality nerds are afraid to take women with characteristics like myself seriously because they are afraid that I would hurt them which is NOT true. I find that people often choose the safe/comfortable way because they are afraid of what would happen if they go out of their comfort zone which doesn't always turn into a healthy relationship. Meh thats just my opinion.

Blogger Khyron said...


Indeed, most people do take the safe and comfortable route. I won't attempt to delve into the psychology behind that, but I would ask this...

If you are willing to date "nerds", how do you express to them that you are not going to hurt them? Is that just the conversation you have within your head or do you take specific actions to convey that?

I don't mean to seem sarcastic or come across as a jerk. I ask because while we have all manner of conversations in our minds and thoughts zipping through them, all other people have to work with are our actions. So if your actions signal that "she's dangerous" or, for some reason, the thoughts and words you use seem incongruent with your actions, you can't fault a man for avoiding engaging with you.

I often find that women forget that men are human too. We have emotions yet we fight a constant battle with our socialization which demands we deny and suppress our emotions. Men don't like rejection any more than women do and we surely do not want to be hurt.

The safe route will typically be preferred because of this avoidance of risk. We don't believe in our ability to bounce back, especially from a relationship with a woman we care deeply for. Its a difficult equilibrium to maintain and unfortunately, it requires practice and failure.

Thank you for sharing.

Blogger Khyron said...


Thank you for the love.

I've encountered those "I wish I had" scenarios quite often. Honestly, with 2 exceptions, I think it has happened with every woman I've been involved with! Stick around; there will be another post about that! For a taste, read "A Letter to Alex".

It would be nice if women (and men) had the clarity to appreciate what they've found when they find it. That level of clarity takes a level of effort I find few willing to commit to. Its the notion of not being easy but being "worth it", right? However, the way one learns to accept that is to first overcome something difficult.

I'm not sure where our community went awry but I have my (unpopular) theories.


Blogger Melissa Harris said...

I'd like to start out by saying any man with confidence and a descent sense of style can have almost any woman he wants . Although it is true that nerds, nice guys, less aggressive men are the ones placed in the friend-zone often too quickly. I can only piggy-back on what you stated earlier. We don't want anyone that will be embarrassing in social settings. If a man displays authenticity and is unique in his own way, a good woman will take notice. Nerds have a bad rap from shows like 'Family Matters'. We've been conditioned not to treasure men like you which is sad.

Blogger Khyron said...


Yes indeed.

I've experienced this during my dating (mis)adventures. My coach actually advised me to be less forthcoming and expressive because women are not used to a guy being as communicative as I tend to be. That was a tightrope for me as I tend to be somewhat talkative, especially about ideas and concepts.

A billionaire named Henry Nicholas once said "If you find a subject boring, you don't know enough about it". I fully agree with that sentiment. The more esoteric the idea, the more engaging it is to me! Unfortunately this has brought me more trouble than benefit with women.

During the date I talked about in this blog post, I believe this hurt me because I was so open and expressive with my date. She was clearly uncomfortable but until I received the feedback, I thought her discomfort was at the silence. Not so much.

I wish I could teach a course in how to step outside of your comfort zone. Talk about an underdeveloped skill, especially within the Black community.

Le *sigh*.

Thank you for your comment. I hope you'll keep reading.

Blogger Khyron said...


I'll reply and ask you to let me know if I seem like a jerk. Deal?


I have been accused of being arrogant. I don't know if I'd use the word arrogant, however, because I know what I know and I know what I don't know. I never claim to know something I don't or to be good at something I'm not. Finally, I can always learn more about everything, especially the things I know well.

If I come across as a jerk to some, its usually because they haven't spent time getting to know me. At first, I can be a bit brusque or seemingly arrogant. My outward personality is very much a disciplinarian, very stoic and usually humorless, especially when I have a goal I'm pursuing. Once people get to know me, they find I'm a very sensitive, very funny, and irreverent person.

I think my relationship experience is indicative of all of this. For example, about a year ago, I met a woman online. After a week, she was ready to give up on me. She thought I was too intense and the conversation too serious at that stage.

We reset and she agreed to meet me. Over dinner and a few glasses of wine at a French bistro, she came to adore me. A few months later, she wanted to be my girlfriend. Her timing couldn't have been worse though since I was in the middle of the experiment that I am documenting in this series of blog posts. She decided to move on. I couldn't fault her. Her responsibility was to do what was in her best interest. I respected that. Had she met me around this time of 2012, she might have been my girlfriend or even eventually my wife.

As for my standards, there will be a post about those too. I have high, but not insurmountable, standards, as evidenced by the number of women I meet who meet them. What usually happens is that these women take themselves out of the running for a relationship with me. Read "A Letter to Alex", the post before this one. That's the goodbye letter I never mailed to my most recent ex-girlfriend who ended our relationship in April 2011 only to resurface in August 2011 wanting to get back together.

As for the woman who I wined and dined? I reached out back in September and she shot me down. Then just before Hurricane Sandy visited upon my region, she texted me. I didn't entertain a conversation as she'd made it clear in September she was not interested in being friends. By then, the space she left was already filled.

I don't see this as bashing Black women. This is my reality, my experience and its all true. Consider it a call for some serious introspection and clarity on the part of Black women. Black women hold the key to solving this problem within our community. While they can't do it alone, they are the source.

If you feel bashed, I do apologize that you feel that way. I will not apologize for being honest. I would ask you, if you do feel like this is an attack upon Black women, why do you think that? What has happened in your past that you feel attacked by the words of a man you don't know? Usually, the only people with that kind of power over us are people we know well. I'd contend that you feel bashed because somewhere in your past is an event that is incomplete, maybe between you and one of your nerd exes. It might serve you more to complete that than to attack me for my authenticity.

My honesty brings something up for you. What is that?

As for white women, I built the muscle of relating to white women from an early age. I never developed that same muscle with Black women. While I might have had more luck with white women, I've never been interested. I believe in the Black family. I can't build a Black family with a white wife, in my opinion. Besides, there's nothing appealing about a woman who looks like she "swallowed a door" (as a friend of mine likes to say).


Blogger Khyron said...

Melissa Harris,

There seems to be a disconnect in your comment.

You state that a man who displays authenticity and uniqueness will be attractive to Black women. Yet you also say that he has to have confidence and a decent sense of style. Does style trump authenticity? Should it, and if so, why?

I always thought it odd that I would meet women and realistically, they were women who could be considered above my strata. Somehow, I would date or even enter relationships with these women. Even I don't know how.

I never had a sense of style in any real way. I'd say I still don't. I just have a few more pieces to work with. Yet this was never a concern, seemingly, until now. Just like my teeth were never a big enough concern to keep women from dating me. Granted, the one woman who spurred me the most was gorgeous creature, I'd been told that I should get braces for the better part of the last 13 years. Never had it been a problem until earlier this year and a failed date.

I point all of this out because it hints at something unsaid. There's a calculus to be performed here. A woman must be exceedingly clear about what's important to her -- what are her deal-breakers -- and what is negotiable. Should teeth or a man's voice be a deal-breaker? (The same woman who didn't like my teeth also didn't like my voice.) Couldn't that be considered shallow?

For that matter, so could evaluating him on the basis of his dress. If you reduce a man to his appearance without regard for his substance, what are you left with? You can't have it all and more importantly, would you know what do with it if you could?

That seems like such an artificial barrier. I'm perfectly fine if women want to create that barrier, but they must realize THEY created that barrier. No one else created that barrier. She did!

If you will only accept a "perfect" man, then you instantly give up the right to complain that you can't meet him. Of course you can't meet him, because he doesn't exist.

Thank you for commenting.

Blogger Sincere1sonly said...

The bottom line is "black society and culture" does not cultivate individuality. Seems as if we would prefer to compete with one another on who can accomplish the best average or mediocre results but then we also have those at the opposite end of the spectrum as well, looking for the best results; seeking fame and fortune,at any cost. Long as it looks good and looks cool, what does your peace of mind and well being matter, Right!

You put it best; we are so concerned with watching others; what they have, what they doing, who they doing it with and how can I do it better, instead of learning to be the best person we are capable of becoming. It's just common sense; the truth is you can never be someone else better than they can, nor should you want to.

I can relate in that I have never been apart of the crowd, I have always been considered somewhat strange, yet and still others will constantly yearn for a uniqueness of their own, which is there for the seizing if only we would accept and love ourselves as God created us to be.

I learned that the greatest gift we process is our differences so I wear my labels well. If your differences are apparent to others, your presence is powerful. Sure that may make some uncomfortable but that's not your problem. Actually, it helps them to realize that their problem is actually with themselves and the fact they probably don't know who they are... if they can't distinguish the difference between themselves and anyone else. It's not you that makes them uncomfortable, it's the reflection in you they see. The nerd, the lame or whatever they want to label you as is just their resentment with the fact that you are comfortable in your own skin and they still trying to get there through mimicking what they consider normal or acceptable traits in peers and mates.It's the influence of what is everyone else going to think mentality; to the point we let what everyone else thinks determine what we think for ourselves.

I for one have not only been waiting on a mate that will honor and love my differences but someone I can know is different. It's a sad state when every man you see is the same or at least the mask they wear is the same. I say Bravo to you brother; keep doing you & that special lady is going to appreciate you all the more when you run into her. Once we begin to realize God created us all to be unique individuals with various gifts to bring to our society and culture and begin to place the proper values in action, Lord only knows what we would be capable of accomplishing as a people. What a beautiful thought; that the day might come when we are no longer a slave to society. They lay a foundation of how they want us to be and where they want to keep us and we foolishly oblige. Try channeling all that "Hateful" energy into the growth and support of our differences and we could shift the entire cultural advantage. I'm tired of my people being the underdog, but one thing I know aside from psychology and opinion is that the Lord I serve remains in control.


Blogger Whitney Cameron said...

Hey, my name is Whitney, I'm a 24 year old Black woman who is dating a Black man, who considers himself to be a nerd. I didn't give him that title nor have I ever called him that, that is what he says he is, and its not a bad thing. At the end of the day, he is a good man. He is sweet, loving, a good listener, good cook, very attentive, trustworthy, kind....the list goes on. He is confident in himself. He doesn't care what anybody else thinks of him. He treats me right and that's all that matters. I'm thankful and appreciate everything about him. He is in college with a double major in Mechanical Engineering and Automotive Mechanics, as well as preparing to focus on becoming a pro race car driver. He is smart and trustworthy, what more could you ask for? If a woman doesn't want to date you because you're a nerd, then that's her loss. You don't need to be with some shallow person, you need a real woman who will appreciate what you have to offer. Believe in yourself, have confidence in who God created you to be. Don't get discouraged just because one person can't appreciate a good thing. That's her problem and she needs to take care of her own issues and insecurities, that's not your fault. Be yourself, and wait for a woman that God has manifested just for you. :) Stay blessed*

Blogger MichelleMonique said...

Hello Khyron,

First, let me say that I believe you should be celebrated for driving 3.5 hours in the rain and heavy traffic during Labor Day weekend to go out on a date. Most men are not going to consider going on a date with a woman who they barely know especially during the holiday season. So kudos to you for breaking the normal stereotype with that. The question you posed was why is a black man being a "nerd" a bad thing? Why does it matter and why is it bad?

Being a black woman, I would have to say that a black man who considers himself a "nerd" isn't a bad thing however, it matters a great deal based on the type of woman that you are trying to attract. I would recommend that you have a series of phone conversations with a woman before you go out on a date with her to determine her mental capacity. It appears that this may have been devoid with your last date of choice because of her approach was exceptionally rude. I believe over the course of several conversations this trait could have came out before you drove 3.5 hours to Richmond.

By no means, am I beating the sister up who expressed how she felt because she was only able to communicate with you based on the level of maturity that dwells within her. This scenario isn't a matter of right or wrong but a matter of maturity and values. We all tend to want different things based on the stages that we are in our lives. So continue to embrace who you are and apply the wisdom given to you by your relationship coach.

Don't give up on the Black Community just give a "character test" every now and then so you can understand who your dealing with before you invest your time, your money and your heart. Smile *geekglasses* are HOT this season!

Warmest Regards,

Michelle @RandallMichelle on Twitter

Blogger Khyron said...


Yes, the fear of intelligence is not just a Black phenomenon in the US. However, it is far more pronounced and a bit more acceptable to be stupid within the Black community.

Let's face it. The woman who is the most physically appealing is going to get a disproportionate amount of attention from men. More often than not, that will be the "cheerleader" or "princess" as opposed to the female nerd. The same dynamics are in play with women as they are for men, no? If you aren't marketing yourself well, how can you expect to gain attention?

It was difficult for me to start changing my wardrobe. It was scary because it was completely new to me. Same with the braces. I had braces in high school and resisted them for an entire year until they were removed, my teeth remaining crooked. However, the realization I came to with my relationship coach is that you have to give the market what it wants.

I could curse the darkness all I wanted about women being shallow for being so obsessed with straight teeth. However, that would not get me closer to being married, which is what I wanted. I had to be REALLY straight with myself, in a way most people are not, and do what was required to get the results I desired. Its not my job to like braces or spending $100 for jeans. Its my job to do it to get the results I want (e.g. meeting my future wife).

The market demands certain things and if I'm unwilling to give it what it demands, I have no right complaining about it. The same goes for the female nerd who is competing for attention with cheerleaders.

Thank you for commenting. I hope you'll continue reading.

Blogger Khyron said...

Tabitha and Bonnie Cuervo,

Thanks for reading. I hope you'll continue to do so.

WomenAreGamechangers, share away! Its a conversation.

Blogger Elegant Granny said...

I really enjoyed this post. It is a shame that some of us treat people this way, but there are those of us who do not approve of the behavior of anyone doing such. I long for the days when I can go on a date with someone with positive conversation skills. Good looks and "coolness" only last for so long. When they are gone,the character of the person is what's left. That's who I'm really interested in.
I hope that one day you will find someone who will except you as the person you are.

Blogger Elegant Granny said...

It is disheartening that people still behave this way. Believing people should have their vision checked when searching for a mate, I hope one day you will find someone who will appreciate who you are, and not focus on what you are not. So many times we make the mistake in evaluating the person with the "idea" of the perfect mate, that we are blinded to the perfection of being in the presence of a great person.

Blogger KayKari said...

I will say that I did misread one crucial paragraph. After going back, I. See you were talking about the particular lady jerk you drove to almost 4 hours to see, and I thought you were talking about all black women in general. So you weren't totally a bash head. I suppose its not your fault that the black women you meet have sad, pointless conversations.

Now, do I still think you're a nerd jerk? Maybe. Going off of your response to me, YES! Your reply reeked of nerd jerkiness. Especially apologising for how I feel (why do men do that?) as well as taking a stab into my past...pleh.
And I totally disagree that people that jnow how to bash us have to know us well. Anyone can bash a group of people.

However, I am reading your other responses to the other women on here and you don't seem so mean. :)

Blogger Khyron said...

Ah, Kay, welcome back.

I see another misunderstanding in your second response.

I'm not apologizing for how you feel. I didn't even think my wording was unclear about that. I am apologizing that, through and due to my words, you do feel the way you feel. Meaning, the intention of the words was not to leave you feeling the way you ultimately were left feeling. Maybe you've mistaken this when other men have said it as well? Just something to consider...

As for "taking a stab" at your past, its not your past I was poking at in the dark. Its your motivations. I am interested in why people do the things they do. There's a reason for everything; I just may not happen to be privy to or aware of the reason. What I've found from personal experience is that most of us do not know what really is motivating us, what is driving us, what has us create the results we create in our lives. That is why I took an attempt to look into your behavioral motivations. If it did not resonate, then so be it. No harm, no foul. No one is dying. However, there is a reason. Whether you believe it worth your time and energy to uncover it is your decision (or choice) to make.

And I'm not so mean...once you get to know me. I'm quite misunderstood though, and I'm fine with that. Its a barrier of my own creation for explicit purposes and it works wonderfully well!


Blogger KayKari said...

You listen here, sir. I already decided not to like you. So no matter how well thought out, well written or logical your responses are, I will not budge! Now that I've set you straight...id like you to pretend my words are apples that I am insisting that you try. How ya like em?

Blogger Khyron said...


Awww. Story of my life. I would expect nothing less. ;)

In all seriousness, thanks for sticking around. Hopefully I can continue to hold your interest. Tell your friends while you're at it.

To Elegant Granny and Whitney Cameron,

Thank you for your kind words. They are appreciated.

To MichelleMonique,

The date that I recount in this particular story was arranged by my relationship coach.

Among other actions, I sought out professional assistance over the course of the last year with the intent of meeting my future partner. As part of his strategy for introducing me to women, we ran an experiment to limit interaction until the in-person meeting.

You may well be right that I would have found out that she had such a narrow worldview had I spoken to her prior to our first date. However, I look at the entire failed trip as a small price to pay (in real terms) to rule out someone who clearly would not work. It was an investment - a failed investment, but still an investment. You can learn a lot from failure, most importantly what does not work.

As the saying goes "If you want something you've never had before, you have to do something you've never done before". This was just one of many experiments I conducted over the course of the last year in order get what I've never had before - my wife.

To Sincere1sonly,

I think you're on to something with your observation about uniqueness.

If you ever have a chance to listen to a recording called "The Strangest Secret" by Earl Nightingale, this very point comes up.

Around the 2.5 minute mark, Mr. Nightingale quotes the book "Man's Search for Himself" which apparently says "The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice; it is conformity."

He goes on to say "And there you have the trouble today. It's conformity. People acting like everyone else, without knowing why, without knowing where they're going."

Anyway, it is what it is. All I can do is to play the cards I've been dealt. It does make me wonder what motivates so many Black women to maintain such inflexibility of thought. This is why I study behavioral psychology.

To all:

I thank you all who read this long post. I don't really "do" short form writing so applaud you for reading from beginning to end.

One thing I did notice is that many people seem to have missed where I said that I have met my future wife. That's a story for another post.


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