Experiments in Black Dating: On Being a Black Nerd

On the Saturday before the 2012 Labor Day holiday in the US, I drove 3.5 hours in rain and heavy weekend traffic from my home to Richmond, VA. The purpose? To go on a date arranged by my relationship coach.

To call the experience a failure would be an understatement. While I don't consider it a waste of time, it was very much a failure! The following Friday, I spoke to my coach about my date's feedback. Negative. Negative. Negative. Negative across the board. She had not a single good thing to say about me.

Apparently, the fundamental problem she had with me was that I am…as she put it…a nerd. I cannot disagree with this assessment. I long ago came to terms with my being a nerd.

My questions for the Black women reading this are [1] why does this matter and [2] why is this bad? I'll leave it as an exercise to the Black women readers in audience to answer. Please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below.

How is it that a successful, single, heterosexual, legally employed, wellness oriented, intelligent, authentic, educated, responsible, childless Black man can be faulted for being a "nerd"? What kind of criticism is that?!?! Of all of the things you could possibly fault a Black man for, and for all of the things that Black men commonly get faulted for, and you want to pick out for criticism the one general trait that has made me successful in most areas of life? I have to consider any woman who criticizes success as a loser by definition.

Should I be a bum like far too many Black men are? I should be unintelligent, uneducated, apathetic, emotionally stunted and possess all manner of other character flaws? Is this really what Black women want from Black men? If so, that just proves my hypothesis that Black people and Black America both are doomed to extinction.

This woman's obsession with dating "cool" guys, and not dating "nerds", probably explains the situation she currently finds herself in, relationship-wise, more than anything else. While I can't help but think that she did me a favor with her violent refutation of me, this experience is just a symptom of a larger plague of thinking within the Black female community.

Upsides and Downsides

I can't make a complete argument for the so-called nerd without covering the actual negatives and downsides of dating such a man. Nerds, in the vernacular, tend to be socially awkward and may even display symptoms of Asperger syndrome. They tend to be less physically attractive than many of their non-nerd contemporaries. They may not have interests that are commonly popular, such as sports, instead preferring to spend their time learning in some way. Whether through reading or doing, their time tends to be spent in the pursuit of knowledge as opposed to physical or athletic or other popular pastimes.

Now, let's consider the implications of the above. While nerds may tend to be socially awkward and even introverted, it is possible to be a functioning member of society with these characteristics. For example, I used to be quite misanthropic. I'll admit to hating people. I liked computers because they were logical and you knew what to expect from them, while people were non-deterministic and unpredictable. However, after doing some growth and development work, I came to see that I can and do love people. (To quote Elie Wiesel, "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.")

What I learned about myself was that I really hated seeing people who were lazy, whether intellectually or in some other manner. I came to realize that I like people who are hard working, persistent and striving for success in some arena. I also saw that I don't think of myself as being very intelligent. What I am is hard working and persistent, as my favorite high school teacher told me (and I refused to believe). I started saying "I'm not so smart but I put in the work. If I can do it, anyone can do it." When people refused to put in the work, that would make me angry. So it wasn't that I hated people. I actually love them and think more highly of them than they tend to think of themselves.

As far as being socially awkward, I have been so for as long as I have been interested in Black women. Due to my upbringing, I never learned how to interact with Black women generally. It is rare that I meet a Black woman with whom I can have the same kind of stimulating, engaging, intellectual conversations that are natural to me. Most of the time, even women in my age bracket appear to have conversation far below their chronological ages. Its truly a very dispiriting state of affairs. I don't particularly care what anyone on television is doing in their own life. To me, its a sign of emptiness that so many Black women are captivated by the lives of others. Its sad, really.

As it pertains to Asperger syndrome or other conditions which contribute to social awkwardness but are usually associated with "nerds", there is some medical treatment that can be made for those. It is definitely a harder situation to deal with but it can be addressed. Unfortunately, I can't speak to the situation of a "nerd" who displays these traits.

When it comes to physical appearance, nerds can learn to address their deficiencies. It will take some effort and like all endeavors, they will only be as successful as they are committed to being. If they want to grow and develop in this area, it is entirely possible. For example, I like nice fragrances so I buy scented candles and I own more than 1 cologne. Learning how to find a cologne I liked was fascinating to me and I'm very careful about the fragrances I wear. This has served me well with the women I have dated or been in relationships with. Like in other areas of life, one must practice behaviors that they are weak in so that they develop and convert that weakness into a strength. Nerds are as capable of doing this as anyone else.

As for other aspects of physical appearance, I am still growing and developing. Its a process, not a destination. I once had a girlfriend who, when I joked that she liked "pretty boys", told me that if I got braces and straightened my teeth, I would be a pretty boy. While that offended me more than the comment about persistence by my high school teacher, it took some difficult lessons vis-a-vis my relationship coaching to appreciate that. Eventually, after a bad dating experience and the incessant prodding of several women friends, I got braces.

My coach also encouraged me to make adjustments to my wardrobe. Since I was paying him for his advice and knowledge on attracting women, I listened. I began buying jeans from Express and eventually some shirts as well. At the behest of one of my "big sisters", who also had implored me to get braces, I started buying different shoes. All of these adjustments, gradual at first but increasing over time, made an impact when I first met my soon-to-be wife.

Finally, as part of a larger personal growth "spurt" that occurred starting in 2007, one of the activities I took up was snowboarding. While the reasons are unimportant, what I learned from learning to snowboard is that you don't do your sport to get into shape. You have to get into shape to seriously enjoy your sport. Snowboarding requires a lot of physical endurance and stamina as well as leg strength. Thus, I began physical training in earnest. It was slow at first but I threw myself into it in 2008 and 2009. By the end of 2009, I was in the best shape of my life at 170 pounds and 9.5% body fat. I started getting a lot more attention from women, much of which I didn't even notice because I was so heads down into my training.

There are many communities of nerds who have take up physical pursuits later in life. To make the assumption that all "nerds" are physical monstrosities who are unconcerned with their appearance is naive at best and a lie at worst. However, most nerds also start taking care of themselves physically in the pursuit of a larger goal. When they understand the reasons clearly, nerds will commit to good nutrition and exercise with even more vigor and determination than most of the "normal" population. That intense focus on learning and gets directed into learning about how their bodies work and experimenting with fitness routines and exercises. Its all a matter of knowing clearly what they are doing and most importantly, WHY they are doing it. And it is that intensity that nerds bring to almost everything they choose to do of their own volition, including (I might add) relationships.

The Consequences

Black women, please consider…just consider…that you may have spent far too much of your limited time on Earth maligning men like me because we are nice, respectful, honorable, authentic, trustworthy, intelligent, and educated. While doing that, also please consider that you have been sabotaging your own stated desire to be in a relationship with a Black man (if that is your goal). By vilifying and criticizing the very qualities you ostensibly say you want, you are sending the message out into the Universe that you really don't want those things. You are telling God to deliver to you not a man who will love, honor and cherish you but a man who will disrespect, dishonor and abuse you. This might explain the quality, or lack thereof, of the men that you encounter and enter into relationships with. Just think about it.

I know many Black women will not like what I've just said here so if you have a cogent counter-argument, by all means, share it in the comments below. Why is a Black man being a "nerd" a bad thing? In many other American cultural and ethnic sub-groups, nerds are respected and even cultivated. Only Black America seems to have such a negative view of "nerds". I'd like to hear a well reasoned response to this from Black women. I'm cautiously pessimistic that I'll ever receive one. Rants are not welcome at all.

As for me, at least I don't have to worry about going back to Richmond anytime soon, if ever.

Experiments in Black Dating: A Letter to Alex

Alex,

As you know, I see Chris and Michelle (among a few other couples) as models for what a relationship can be. I'd include my parents as well. Anyway, Chris once told me that "You don't marry the person you can live with; you marry the person you can't live without". While a literal interpretation of that may be a stretch, here's how I see that. It means that you want to marry the person whom you would most want to keep in your life, the one whom you believe you cannot and don't want to be without.

I find myself incredibly conflicted right now. Part of that is the long week I had. Along with all of the messed up stuff that happened, the woman who had been campaigning the hardest to be my next girlfriend took herself out of the running. You are, again, without competition.  But...

I'm also conflicted because I'm wondering how we got here and why it has to be like this. A year ago, WE could have been on the road to the dream. As I've mentioned, when you turned your back on me and told me to move on, I did. I didn't have much choice. I wasn't going to stay stuck, as much as I wanted to, as much as I wanted you. Then you came back and with you came all of these emotions, and honestly, I probably would have agreed to give it a second chance had you shown up earlier. That alone was weird and scary because I don't believe in moving backwards. I was willing to make the exception for you, this one time. But here I was finally dating, without all of the baggage and expectations and other stuff that usually seems to come with dating. I was in a place of freedom and exploration and I didn't want to give that up, though I did want to give us a chance. I told you this and you said you were fine with it. I told you I'd like some time to explore this, and provided there were no significant changes in either of our statuses, I'd again enter a relationship with you. You accepted this and agreed to it. I contend now as then that it is not likely (possible, but not likely) that I will meet someone else to pursue a relationship with before the year is completed.

I want to be angry with you right now. I really do. But I can't. I can't be angry with you any more than a parent of a 2 year old can be angry with their child for drawing a picture of the family on the walls in crayon. I don't mean to equate you to a child, so let me explain.

It became clear around the time that you ended our relationship that you were unsure what you wanted. I can't be angry with you for not knowing what you wanted, or for not knowing what you don't want. While these are things I have explored in my life in quite intricate detail, the average person does not deal with such questions commonly and may never figure these things out.

All along, I didn't want you to be "stuck" for me. I didn't want you to feel that you were just being dragged along, without choice, and hoping for an unpromised outcome. I asked you to wait for me, but since I couldn't promise an outcome, I was not going to ask you to promise anything to me either. I knew that you might also find someone who could give you (right now, if not for the rest of your life) what you wanted and needed in a relationship. While I did ask you to wait for me, if the choice for you became one of waiting for me and hoping or "trying on" a relationship with another partner -- one that might be what you need AND want, one that would be better for you than being in a relationship with me -- then I wanted you not to wait, not to hope, to explore and "try on" a relationship and answer the question ultimately. It sounds like you are doing that, and that makes me upset, sad, angry and disappointed. Not with you, but with myself. The risk if waiting for me is that at the end of all of this, you may still end up being disappointed and hurt. I do not want that for you.

I will say that I hope you are making the decision to move on and explore a relationship with Alex because you honestly and authentically believe that there is compatibility and not just because you don't want to be alone or wait for my year of experimentation to end. I was always clear that I thought I would end up coming back to you at the end of this year, just as Frank has come back to his (now fiancee) after his post-divorce period of exploration. So if you are doing this just because you don't wish to be alone, or you are terribly worried that I may choose a different woman by the time January 2013 comes around, I think you are doing yourself a disservice. I have to say this because I find it curious that you stated yourself that you have known Alex for almost a decade and yet you never had any interest in him beyond friendship. However, now that we're in the unfortunate situation we're in, I'm seeing in you the kind of frustration or disappointment you've shown before. When you have exhibited this behavior in the past (during our relationship), it has been followed by impetuous decisions. I hope this is not another one of those impetuous decisions. I hope this is coming from a place to really explore and determine whether there is enough of a kernel of interest and compatibility to make this relationship potentially successful, long term. If that is what motivates you to enter into a relationship with Alex, I will fully and completely support you from a place of love. If not, then I don't know what to say other than I am disappointed. I hope you are clear about what drives you to do this and that its out of authentic attraction and interest.

From your e-mail the other day, it sounds like you have decided to pursue your relationship with Alex. If this is so, I will support that and support you in that.

While I know that nothing is guaranteed, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think you and Alex sound like you'll work well as a couple. He's everything I'm not, and for all I know, he's everything I am as well. If that's so, then it would be absurd to wait for me if the best thing to happen to you is him. Just writing this is the hardest thing I've had to do in some time, and this in a week when almost nothing has been easy.

I do have one request, if you have decided to pursue this direction. I DO want to be appraised of how well your relationship is going. I do want to know details as much as you're comfortable sharing. Why? Because knowing that, knowing how happy and satisfied and well taken care of you are will validate my decision to let you go. As hard as it will be to hear - and I want to hear it - it will allow me to confirm that you're getting what you need, getting what you want, getting what you couldn't get from me, and that you're happy. Ultimately, that's the most important thing to me. It always has been, as I'm sure I've said.

Adieu.

Experiments in Black Dating: The Untimely Death of Courtesy

If I haven't said it before, let me state this in no uncertain terms now…

Dating sucks.

Today, Sunday, 7 October 2012, I was supposed to meet a young lady for a date. It didn't quite happen the way I was hoping it would. In fact, it didn't happen at all.

This woman was introduced to me by my relationship coach. She was 1 of 5 women who responded to a Twitter post of his on my behalf, asking if they would like to meet a single, legally employed, intelligent, educated, childless, emotionally available, Black man living in the Washington, DC area. After he assembled the recipients, he gave me a primer on who they were and we set to work.

Without getting into the God-awful details of the experiences leading up to this point -- fodder for another post, undoubtedly -- I began speaking to this woman just before I traveled to San Francisco for my company's annual customer confab. We connected while I was sequestered in the St. Regis hotel and immediately we seemed to hit it off. I have to admit I was quite surprised at how similarly we thought about certain things.

After I returned from San Francisco, things…got…weird. She took a trip with a friend to Culpeper, Virginia and returned while I was out of town on business travel. We kept having problems connecting with each other, so I suggested an in-person meeting on Sunday, 30 September, to which she agreed. Progress, or so I thought. My excitement would be short-lived.

3 hours before our appointed meeting time, I received a text message from her. She was canceling. Its seems she'd partied a *bit* to hard the night before and was in no condition to meet me. Okay. Disappointing but understandable. So I agreed to re-schedule for the following Sunday -- today. I immediately e-mailed her an invitation via my Google calendar, just to make sure she had a record of our time. I sent a few follow-up e-mails over the course of the week, as well as sending a few text messages and leaving voicemails (because every time I called, she never answered).

Never once did I receive a response.

When our scheduled time came today, I was running late so I sent her a text indicating so. Still no response. Not wanting to completely assume that such a warm connection had gone deathly cold, I continued forward to Downtown Silver Spring. I arrived, unfortunately late, and waited in the cold rain by the fountain, as we had previously agreed. And I waited. And waited.

I continued waiting until about 1:36 PM. By the end of that 36 minute wait, I had to dip into the local Starbucks Coffee to get out of the rain. Still no word from my would-be date. As of this writing at 6:19 PM Eastern time, I have no idea either her whereabouts or her status. I hope she's alright. I don't know if I will ever find out.

Fundamentally, I'm not even upset with the waste of my time (which usually would make me livid). I'm more disappointed and dismayed that if she was uninterested in meeting, after having canceled the first date, she could have simply called or even e-mailed and let me know her feelings.

I realize that in this dating experiment, there will be massive failures and disappointments. Hopefully, through those, I will learn things about myself and about the women I'm dating which will inform my future dating. However, I cannot take appropriate actions in a vacuum. I would have appreciated if she had minimally given me the courtesy to let me know that she wasn't going to show up. I wouldn't have otherwise schlepped myself from Herndon, VA back to Silver Spring to be cold and alone. I could have done that perfectly well at home!

I'd be curious to know how others feel and think about this. What has your experience been? How have you handled similar situations?

As for how the other dates have gone, I'll post further on those experiences later. I can only deal with a small, finite number of disappointments at a time. Needless to say, she's worked herself off of my (dwindling) list of prospects.

Experiments in Black Dating: The Minimum Level of Attractiveness (MLoA)

Let's talk about attractiveness.

It has always amazed and sickened me that women seem to place so much emphasis on exteriors and appearances as opposed to depth, integrity and character. In no two places is this more true than in relationships and fashion. For some reason, it seems that Black women in particular have this particular affliction. I would say "suffer from" but I doubt the average Black woman is suffering from her misguided focus on appearance. Indeed, I think they enjoy every minute of it.

Black women are well known for spending a lot of money on how they look. Their hair has to be perfect every week. Their nails have to be done every week. They have to have the "just right" wardrobe and of course the endless array of shoes. (My mother is in the process of donating to charity my sister's collection of as-yet-unworn footwear.)

These same women have to look perfect to go to church. Is that in order to seduce the pastor? I don't think God honestly cares what you're wearing. Wasn't Jesus Christ supposed to be a carpenter? All of this energy, time, and money spent on something so fleeting seems astoundingly absurd to me. Excuse me for being rational and logical but are you really telling me that Black women have nothing better to do with their resources than "invest" in things which such an abysmally low ROI?

When we look at how many Black women select partners, either temporary dating partners or longer term relationship partners, they seem to weigh very highly the superficial and insubstantial qualities of men. We've all heard the requirements. He's got to be 6 feet tall or teller, even though only 15 - 20% of *all* American men of any ethnicity meet that requirement. He's got to at least have a bachelor's degree and preferably a Ph.D. He's got to have a "good job" and he's got to earn more than she does. He has to be able to go from the basketball court to the lounge to a black tie gala, all in the same night no less! He's got to drive his own car, preferably an expensive imported nameplate. He has to have perfect appearance -- smooth, even complexion skin; nice eyes; perfectly straight and white teeth; six-pack abs; chiseled shoulders and back; powerful, long legs. And of course, he has to have "the complete package" when it comes to male endowment -- length, width and he has to know how to sling it! (I only recently heard this trifecta of qualities described as "the complete package". You really do learn something new every day.)

Oh, and he's got to be a Rhodes Scholar, former All-American athlete and current NFL running back.

Maybe women are spending too much time treating men like accessories instead of like partners (or even like men, for that matter)?

On the other hand, with men, I've noticed consistently that quite the opposite is true. For a man, once he meets a woman who meets a base level of attractiveness, any incremental "improvement" in the woman's appearance will mostly be lost on him. There may be some small accessorization or accoutrement that will catch his eye, but once a man is sold, HE'S SOLD. Period. In fact, if she doesn't meet his level of basic attractiveness, he probably won't even initiate communication with her.

I call this the Minimum Level of Attractiveness ("MLoA"). Once a woman achieves any individual man's MLoA, any additional effort beyond that level is wasted effort, time and energy. Another way to look at this is what Tim Ferriss of "4 Hour Work Week" fame calls the "minimum effective dose". The MLoA is the basic, fundamental level of attractiveness of a female above which a man is willing to exert effort to romantically pursue that female.

Men are simple creatures, admittedly. Women make us out to be far too complex for their own good.

It might better serve the average woman to focus on finding men whose MLoA she *surpasses* than trying to keep up with all of the other women she views herself as being in competition with. That is simply a suggestion. Unless, of course, your explicit goal is to marry or minimally get pregnant by some 1% guy so you can live off his income. Ladies, if you're really looking for an honest, authentic, open, loving relationship upon which you can build a family, then you might consider using different methods than the ones which I commonly hear from women have failed them thus far. If you don't want those things, then at least be honest about it. I'm more than willing to let you continue failing in the same ways.

I know this guidance will probably be lost on most of the women I am targeting with this missive. The average Black woman in the US is too interested in both competing with other Black women and in living the lifestyle of the airheads she sees on the Real Housewives of Atlanta. She wants to dress three orders of magnitude above her income and ability to support so she can marry some 1% Black man who is 6' 4" with a 12" penis who owns a mansion somewhere, plays a professional sport and drives a car whose name she can't pronounce and of which only 20 exist on the planet.

There's just one problem, ladies. EVERY woman you're attempting to compete with is competing for that same man's attention!! You've just given him one more option. Is it any surprise that you're being used for sex? You honestly thought you were *that* special? No, my dear, you really aren't a unique, special snowflake. You're just a groupie and you and your groupie friends (and competition) will be used accordingly. Your 1% man is an equal opportunity offender.

At the same time, guys like me go unnoticed and passed over by the very Black women we want to be in relationships with. I've spent the last 37 years of my life, the last 5 years in particular, creating myself as the perfect partner for a Black woman. Yet somehow, I'm not good enough. I've yet to figure out how I'm not good enough, but clearly I'm not.

Anyway, this came out sounding more like a rant than I originally intended. However, this concept has been eating away at my psyche for months and I had to get it out.

Black women, for the love of God, please start escaping the fantasy worlds you've built around you. There are plenty of "good" Black men out there. However, you need to be a "good" Black woman to attract a "good" Black man. Start assessing whether you really meet your own criteria. If you don't, why would a "good" Black man choose you?

Feel free to comment below if you have something useful to add to the discussion. If you don't, you may leave now.

Experiments in Black Dating: Fear of a Black Woman Who Earns Less Than I Do

On Friday, 10 August, 2012, I experienced an amazing helicopter tour of the Big Island, Hawai'i. Immediately after, I spent some time on Hapuna Beach and poolside at the resort where I was staying. I usually don't have time to think like this so I wanted to maximize the usefulness of this time. After retiring from the beach to my hotel room to shower off the sand and sweat, I had a revelation. At least, to me it was a revelation. This epiphany specifically regarded dating and relationships with women whose income is lower than mine.

What occurred to me in the shower was that don't want to be in a relationship with a woman who earns less money than me. While she may make less than me when we meet, I hope she aspires to earn as much or more. I would completely support this pursuit.

Reading that, you're probably wondering why a single, heterosexual, successful Black American man would make such a statement. Don't most men want to make more than their female partners? I think most men would argue, privately, that if their woman earned more than they do, they'd feel less like a man. They'd also state some B.S. about how the hunter/gatherer instinct "should" prevail (with no logical reason for this inherited belief) and it is the man's place to be the "breadwinner" in a relationship. Further, I think you'd hear that men are somehow insufficient or "not a man" if they are earning a lower income than their female partners.

Much of this thinking is tied up in a societal definition of what it means to be "a man". Like all beliefs, this falsehood is a learned belief. It is also a lie. US society in particular seems to have a strong belief that women should be dependent on men, likely rooted in Christian dogma.

I find this dogmatic and usually unquestioned belief to be needlessly self-limiting.

Personally, I can't help but think that being with a woman who makes significantly less than I do (as in 25% less or even more) doesn't sit well with me. The reason is simple. To my mind, income is a proxy for and measure of one's ambition. Thus, I want a woman with an ambition and passion for success that matches my own.

In my observation, Black women seem to want to save the world, usually before they have bothered to save themselves first. Whether it is by becoming teachers, social workers or "human resources professionals", they seem attracted to positions where they can "help people" but that this society -- here in the United States -- does not value highly. The reason people in these types of jobs don't have high incomes is exactly this. These roles are not highly valued, for whatever reasons.

(Whether this is "right" or "wrong" is immaterial to *this* discussion. We're not here to make moral and ethical judgments about one career path or another. We're simply looking at incomes.)

So Black women are drawn to these types of positions like a moth to a flame, then they "curse the darkness" about how little money they make. It's the most absurd argument ever. (That's saying a lot because I find myself in many absurd arguments with Black women. The relationship to reality that the average Black woman holds will be the subject of a different post.) This state of trying to save others before making sure that your life is in order is flatly and provably unworkable.

For myself, I don't want to be in a relationship with a woman with a low income because I'd be concerned about her reasons for choosing me. There would always be a cloud of suspicion hanging over her motivations for choosing me. Having been "chosen" by lower income women before, I'm acutely aware and afraid of these circumstances. I've always been very clear that I don't want to be in a relationship with a woman who *needs* me. I want her to *want* me. I want to be with a woman who doesn't need a man to take care of her but instead chooses me out of an authentic desire to be with me.

I want to be in relationship with a woman who has mastered, or is at least actively pursuing mastery in, this area of her life. I want her to choose me, willingly, not to see me as a lifeline to a better life. Worse yet, I don't want her to assume that she can become a "kept woman", eating bon-bons, Peggy Bundy (link) style, at my expense. I want a woman who respects and appreciates the value of a dollar, and the hard work required to earn it, just as much as I do, if not more.

Both in this process of dating as well as in my daily observations of life generally, I've noticed and encountered a great number of Black women who are willing to forego income in the name of their commitment to society and other people, a commitment to the same society that doesn't value the contribution they want to make. It sounds like a self-inflicted martyrdom to me. That's not sexy and it's not cute.

A woman who makes significantly less than I do does not appeal to me not because of her income itself but because of what that income says about her. The meta-message of a woman who earns less than I do is that either she lacks the ambition required to be successful in this area of life and if that is the case, there will be carryover into other arenas of life. As T. Harv Eker says, "how you do anything is how you do everything". This will show up, in various forms of expression, throughout a woman's life.

Another meta-message of a low earning woman is that she appears to be looking for a man to save her. Again, there's nothing appealing about this scenario either. The helpless, victim mentality that seems so popular with women in general and Black women in particular is quite unattractive. It speaks to a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. What successful Black man would want to be with a woman who lacked a mentality of abundance, success, and self-confidence?

Finally, true happiness comes from seeking out alignment of one's beliefs and values with one's work. Far too often for my taste, I find that Black women believe that such alignment is impossible to achieve. This is the kind of negative thinking that can never lead to success. I want to be with a woman who is driven to succeed, not out of a love of money but because she knows that she has the capacity to do so and is thus willing to push against convention, criticism and societal norms to set and pursue a goal that is bigger than her.

Charlie Hoehn has said that you are the average of the 5 closest people to you. Thus, to inspire success in yourself, the best thing you can do is to surrounded yourself with people who are as successful or more successful that you in whatever arena(s) you wish to be successful. In a relationship, you will spend a lot of time around your partner, probably more time than with any single individual. This person will have an outsize influence on the quality of your life and whatever level of success you achieve (or not). Doesn't it make sense to choose a partner who supports your success and its pursuit?

I'd love to find a woman who does something she loves and knows how to be compensated in accordance with the personal success she has found in her career. THAT is sexy!

Until next time...

Experiments in Black Dating: Origins

Why is this series entitled "Experiments in Black Dating"?

In August 2010, I met the woman I thought I would marry. I have never wanted to be a father, but I wanted this woman to carry my children. I wanted to live the rest of my life in service to her.

On Saturday, 23 April 2011, over a late lunch at P.F. Chang's in White Flint Mall, she told me she no longer wanted to be my girlfriend. This was the third time she'd made such a proclamation. I figured it would stick this time, having gone through this twice previously. I can't even say that I was surprised. I'd had too much practice preparing myself for this by virtue of having been dumped twice in the preceding 2 months. It was also not a surprise because this woman, who'd previously been disappointed and even upset when I didn't want sex as much as she did, had been refusing to engage in flagrante' dilecto with me for the past month.

At first, it was hard. About this, I cannot lie. I spent most of my non-working time depressed. In fact, when I get so depressed, I usually do 2 things in great quantities -- work and train. I was barely in the mood to train, but I did it. I worked even harder. We always go back to those things which bring us comfort, which we know how to do well and where we feel like we belong. For me, that's my professional life…which brings me to dying…

The funny thing about dying is that the more you do it, the better you get at it. I've become quite experienced, if not expert, at dying.

For me, this represented the third time I had "died" -- figuratively speaking, in a relationship context -- since December 2005. Maybe I've died more times than that, but those are the instances that are most vivid in my memory. I've honestly lost count of the number of times my world has been pulled down, lying in waste at my feet.

Each time I die, I come back stronger, faster, definitely smarter, and overall, better. However, it means I'm still without the one thing I most desire -- a delicious, loving, playful, fun, adventurous, romantic relationship with the best friend I can't keep my hands off of. (Thanks to Andrea Lee for that awesome description!)

After dying this time, I went through a process of clearing. I had to get anything and everything which reminded me of my ex-girlfriend out of my presence. Otherwise, I would continue being haunted by her memory. I threw away the apple green sheets which were the same shade as one of the colors of her sorority. I deleted her phone number, e-mail address and all e-mail correspondence we'd shared. I deleted all of the digital photos I had of her, save for the photos from Trinidad Carnival 2011. (Two words: Bliss inaugural.) Anything I could think of to get her presence, her energy, out of my space, I undertook.

After clearing comes clarity. I refocused and became clear that that I did want a relationship. While this might be a setback, and a non-trivial one as far as I was concerned, I had to look at it as creating the space in my life for a woman to come in and love me. While that space was occupied by my ex, no other woman could occupy it. Yes, quantum mechanics also applies to relationships! So now that I had the space, a huge source of stress was removed from my life.

For example, my ex-girlfriend had been uninterested in and even dismayed by my participation in Landmark Education. At the time, I was participating in the Landmark Wisdom Unlimited course. I believe she thought of it as a replacement for religion to even a cult, which just points to how little she knew about me. I am too independent a thinker to replace a religion with…a religion. Cults are just as absurd to me as organized religion, except cults don't have societal acceptance factors pushing them down people's throats. The first weekend of the Wisdom Course was miserable for me because I knew the person I loved the most was the least supportive of my being there. The second weekend, as a newly single man, I felt free, alive and engaged with the material unconcerned about how my partner would respond to it or me.

As my Wisdom Course ground toward an end in late 2011, I took on a whirlwind of personal development activities. I began training with ferocity again, spending my formerly typical 4 - 5 hours at L.A. Fitness whenever I had the opportunity. I also started career coaching with Ramit Sethi, author of the book "I Will Teach You To Be Rich". On top of that, I engaged a relationship coach named Tony Gaskins to help me tackle those areas of my relationships which have been troublesome. Admittedly, I was doing so much coaching that I had little time for anything else. Note to self: there IS such a thing as too much coaching.

One thing I've learned from both working with Ramit as well as through my training is that you have to test every assumption, theory or idea. There is a lot of information out there, not all of it useful. However, there are also what might be termed "Black Swans" in personal development just as there are in other areas of life. (Thanks to Nassim Nicholas Taleb for the term and the associated context.) It is unpredictable which of the various ideas, information or suggestions you come across will be useful to *you*. In order to determine that, you have to test. You have to run experiments. These experiments can be as simple as trying a new exercise protocol for a month or they can be as complex as what I am doing with my love life.

Since December 2011, I have been engaged in an experiment in dating. As I previously mentioned, I've never dated in any real sense in my 37 years on planet Earth. Dating has never been an activity which "fit" me. In high school, the girls I was interested in were never interested in me, a theme which continues until today. I can't say that there were any women who were interested in me at that time in my life. College continued the pattern, with the exception that I began learning my craft, a craft which continues to compensate me quite well for a man, Black or white, in the modern day United States. After college, I threw myself into a frenzy of masterwork in my chosen craft and the few deviations into relationships were ill-fated and ill-timed.

The timing for conducting this "dating experiment" seemed perfect. Here I was, newly single, emotionally devastated, and with a burning desire to be in a relationship. I had never dated in my life. As we all know, if you want something you've never had before, you have to do something you've never done before. Now I had an opening, a window of opportunity, to do something I've never done before.

Of course my experiment immediately hit a roadblock, in the forms of a potential new relationship as well as the possibility of re-entering a relationship with the ex-girlfriend who dumped me in April 2011. Who knew? So I found myself confronting a question about whether to continue the experiment or to consider a new relationship with either of these 2 women. I chose to continue the experiment, in the process cutting short the budding relationship with a young woman who quickly grew from despising me into wanting to be my girlfriend.

And that brings us to right now, August 2012. I'm writing most of this from a hotel room at the Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel on the Big Island, Hawaii. I've got about 4.5 months left in this experiment. Anything is possible but its hard to not think that anything is highly improbable. I keep looking for opportunities to invite serendipity into my life, as Ramit says. Yet, right now, I remain alone and will continue documenting the exploration and experiments in this series.

Until next time...

Experiments in Black Dating: Who Am I?

Who am I?

I'm a guy, if that wasn't clear. I turned 37 in July 2012. I'm Black. I grew up in the DC area but I am not of the DC area. I attended Howard University - poorly - for more years than I care to recount, studying electrical engineering and making a mockery of higher education generally.

I'm a geek. Yes, I said it, I'm a geek. I love technology and the ability it gives us to solve problems once we get outside of our own heads. I work for the biggest company in one of the fastest growing industries in technology. I make good money.

I live alone outside Washington, DC, where I've been most of my life with the exception of 2 years in the wilderness of Orange County, CA. Sometimes, I wonder if I'd have more success in the southwestern desert than here, where I choose to be, where I am closer to more Black women in a day than I was in 2 years in SoCal.

I'm thoughtful, kind, caring, selfless, loving, passionate, honest, authentic, patient, motivating, supportive, and giving. These are actual words my most recent ex-girlfriend used to describe me in an e-mail explaining why she wanted to get back together with me, this after dumping me about 7 months prior.

I LOVE Black women. Let me be clear about this. Given my history and personal background, it would be a lot easier for me to seek and find success with white women. (Asian and Hispanic women, for whatever reasons, have never responded to me.) Yet, I have no interest in white women. I just don't. It's not that I don't occasionally see a white woman who is physically appealing, but at best, that's all she is. I'm unable to build a Black nation with a white wife. It just isn't possible and it's not my desire.

Besides, as a friend of mine is fond of saying, I'm not interested in being with a woman who looks like she swallowed a door. The very prospect is completely unappealing and unattractive to me. I believe that a woman's body was designed for certain purposes (by whatever entity, this is not a religious screed). One of those is child bearing. The curves of a woman's body are testament to this intention. The simple reality is that Black women have those curves in far greater abundance, and are prouder of them, than white women. A woman's body without curves is like a pair of jeans without pockets -- where are you supposed to put your hands?

So what's my story? Or rather, what's my problem? Why am I single?

Funny you should ask. I have no bloody idea why I'm single!!

While that may sound like a cop-out or an excuse, it is my reality. If I had an answer to that question, I probably wouldn't be posing it in the first place!

My last relationship ended tragically in April 2011. I'd call it tragicomic but there was nothing remotely funny about it. After 3 years of literally recreating and rebuilding myself from the ground up, I met a woman that I was prepared to marry. I actually met her within 4 months of beginning my search. After where I came from, I thought God finally liked me again. I guess he was just having some fun at my expense.

We were involved for 7 months and in that period of time she dumped me 3 times. The first of those was 4 days prior to taking a 2 week international vacation. Talk about being blindsided!

The next came within 2 weeks of returning from that same trip. The third and final blow -- the finishing move, if you will -- came about a month later. By that time, I was over any surprise. I was just waiting for her to actually give voice to her disapproval because it had become painfully obvious that she wanted out.

After a long recovery period, I decided to start "dating", a process I'd never engaged in. Yes, I've never really "dated" even though I'm 37. Once I discovered women around age 22, I have always either been in a relationship -- and happy -- or out of a relationship -- and happy.

So I decided to run an experiment (a common theme in my life since 2008) and that is where I am, in the middle of this grand experiment. So far, the results are…disappointing, to say the least. However, I believe in process so I'm going to give this experiment more time to run. I'm not one to quit without making a thorough and authentic attempt at success but any successful person will tell you that any experiment should have bounds.

Most important, any project should have time boundaries which, if exceeded, cause the immediate execution of the experiment. No thinking. No emotions. No second chances. You cut your losses and move on knowing that you did what you could within the constraints you set for the project or the experiment. I gave this dating experiment a boundary of 1 calendar year. It still has time but let's just say I'm cautiously pessimistic about any potential for success.

Speaking of success, what is my definition of it? ANY project you pursue in life must have an absolute, measurable, clear definition of success. Otherwise, how do you know when (and if) you have arrived at your intended destination?

The definition of success for this experiment was and still is to meet and go out with multiple women, without any intention or attachment to either them or the experiment itself, and to enjoy the exploration and the process of doing so. The goal is to have fun while seeking a lover, partner and best friend. Not much to ask, or so I thought. That statement alone probably exposes my naivete for the world's amusement.

While success was not predicated on finding a life partner, I definitely was and still am open to such an outcome. I'm just clear that I won't interrupt the process unless the attraction and the interest are clearly worth doing so. The experiment will end on a set time and date so to preempt that process is cheating myself of the experience.

Anyway, that's why I did this. That's why I'm here writing this brief exposition about who I am. Later, we'll go into my story and the path I took to get here. I will do my best to cut it down to the most relevant and juicy pieces but you just never know what's going to come out when you're being authentic.

Adieu.

Asking Powerfully

If you are unable to ask powerfully for what you want, you don't deserve to receive it.


Let's be clear about the meaning of the word "power" here. Power isn't about force, coercion, or anything nefarious. Power isn't about arrogance. Power is about having and displaying confidence. That confidence originates from knowing who you are and what you are about. 


The flip side of that coin is knowing who you are NOT and what you are NOT about. Most people have little clarity around who they are NOT. This is one of the most powerful concepts in life because when you are clear about who you are NOT, you can easily direct your energies away from activities which are incongruent with who you ARE. Or if you choose to engage in such activities, you do so out of conscious choice and with full awareness of the consequences.


I have found that women seem to have a particular problem with this idea of asking powerfully, at least in the realm of relationships. Let me see if I can clear up some confusion regarding this with an example.


For whatever reasons, American society has this notion that men should be the only ones to take the risk of rejection in approaching the opposite gender. This notion is even stronger among Black women, I find. This annoys me to no end.


Just because you have been socialized to believe that men should be the hunter and women should be chased doesn't mean that has any basis in reality or truth. Its just what you were taught. (The flimsy connection that most people have to reality is a topic for another day.)


For some reason, people find it reasonable to accept this double standard. You have women who are progressively achieving more - higher incomes, more career power and influence, becoming the "breadwinner" in the family - and yet we find these same women with anachronistic views about relationships! I don't get it. You're telling me you have the power to earn a six or seven figure salary (or more) yet you can't pursue a man!?!? That's logically absurd. What makes the pursuit of one thing you want (career success) any different from the pursuit of another (a life partner)?


If you want something, go after it. If you don't, don't. If you want something bad enough, your desire will overpower your fears and concerns. So maybe YOU, young lady, haven't found a compelling enough man. Its disingenuous at best to attempt to play this off as "he's the man so he should pursue me".


You know, there are men who are shy. Yes, its true. (I happen to be one of them.) There are men who have not learned how to be comfortable with the failure that typically accompanies speaking to women. There are plenty of women who have not learned how to graciously and respectfully say "no, thank you, I'm just not interested in you". Most of the time, the modern woman's rejections of the man's advances is put across as a rejection of the *man* himself. While they are 2 different things, women seem to easily and willingly conflate them. 


Men, on the other hand, are not often in touch with their emotions. Yes, men *do* have emotions. If more women weren't so enthralled with the stereotypical lies they've been taught by their bitter friends and mothers, they might have a clearing to hear this from men. Men tend to bury their emotions under anger and other fear-based emotions, but the emotions are still there by definition. Men are typically not taught how to feel their emotions without acting out based upon those emotions. We're not taught how to feel the emotions and yet not get swept up in them. Who can teach us? Other men who have no familiarity with their own emotions!?!? You cannot teach that which you do not know, which is how and why generations of men have continued to emotionally abuse their male children and other men around them.


The funny thing about emotions is that they get expressed one way or another. Either a constructive means of expressing emotion will be found, or the man will resort to the primal and deconstructive means that he has been socialized to think of as being manly. Often, it is a woman who is on the receiving end of a negative and dangerous expression of a man's emotions. It may just be him lashing out by calling her a bitch. It may be his fear boiling over into anger and eventually physical violence. It could be him withdrawing. Whatever that expression, it will come out at some point. 


So women can either help bring out the best within all men by showing respect and sympathy and empathy -- that stuff they're alleged to be better at anyway -- or they can contribute to continuing to repress and depress men through disrespect. Also consider that if you want to be shown respect by a man, you may want to start by first respecting yourself and sharing -- expressing -- that self-respect through respect for him and his thoughts and his emotions. 


This brings us back to power. Women hold a lot of power. Maybe they don't respect their own power. Maybe they don't appreciate it. Maybe they don't even know that they have it and have relinquished it in a mistaken attempt to win the "respect" and affections of a man. (This is the worst use of one's power. Power, like respect, acknowledges and respects its appearance in another.) Part of being truly powerful is being authentic. Authenticity starts with oneself and radiates outward toward others. Being authentic means you can pursue those things you want without fear or worry or concern about the thoughts or judgments of others.


Not every request will be satisfied. In life, you don't necessarily get what you want. You get what you get. However, without a powerful - yet respectful - request, you cannot receive.


Ask powerfully. Receive powerfully. Or get used to having excuses instead of results.

Experiments in Black Dating: Intro

Dating sucks.

I never really thought about this before because I never really dated before. I was always either in a relationship - and happy - or out of one - and happy.

Maybe its the time. I'm 37. I've wanted to be in a relationship for a looong time. I am and have always been a relationship-oriented guy. I recall wanting to be married when I was 18. Though I get *now* how detrimental that would have been, I wanted it then and I want it now.

(I can hear the snickers and sneers from across the Interwebz but stay with me. Focus.)

My last relationship ended through minimal (if any) fault of my own. I've died and been reborn more times than I care to remember when it comes to relationships. Each time, I may be stronger, faster, better, but I'm still alone.

So this is a journey. You're welcome to follow along. Maybe there's something in here for you to learn. Maybe there's something in here for me to learn. Maybe, if nothing else, there's some entertainment at my expense. I'm good for it. My story is...My story IS. That's all. It just IS.

But I don't get this dating shite. I surely don't like it. I can't understand why anyone would willingly put themselves through this. So why did I?

That, too, is a bit difficult to explain. Let's begin, shall we?